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DEATH OF A PARENT.
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Discusses effect on children.... More...
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Paper Abstract:
Discusses effect on children. Psychological turmoil and variables (age of child, death of one or both parents, circumstances of death, family structure). Examines concepts of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross on death & dying. Views of other experts. Special issues faced by adolescents. The grief process. Problems of recovery from loss.
Paper Introduction:
The death of a parent can be a wrenching experience for the children left to grieve, though the degree of psychological turmoil may depend on a number of factors such as the age of both parent and children, the circumstances of the death, the structure of the family, and so on.
One of the more influential works on the subject of death and dying is that of Elisabeth K?bler-Ross. Her thesis is that when people are forced to face death either in terms of coming to grips with the death of a loved one or even with their own imminent death they pass through certain stages in their thinking. These stages are repeated in every instance as part of the grieving process. They are identified by K?bler-Ross as denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. K?bler-Ross examines each of these in turn and
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K?bler-Ross, E. Kalish (1985) also notes that griefhas stages, and one of the reasons why grieving takes so much time is theneed to pass through these stages in proper order, though some adaptationis possible. (1999). However, thecoping process for survivors of suicide victims seems to be a moredifficult one as compared to survivors of those who died by natural causes. Children may alsobenefit less from the opportunity to say goodbye. The stages serve as a guide formedical personnel first to understand the process themselves and tocomprehend what a patient is going through and second to help patients maketheir way through the grief process to the final stage of acceptance andunderstanding. Monterey, CA: Brooks/Cole Publishing Company. Most people, after someone really close to them dies, believe thatno one understands the pain they are experiencing. Caring for the dying is also thought to be afactor which alleviates postmortem self-reproach. The death of a parent can be a wrenching experience for the childrenleft to grieve, though the degree of psychological turmoil may depend on anumber of factors such as the age of both parent and children, thecircumstances of the death, the structure of the family, and so on. She says that they are defensemechanisms in psychiatric terms and coping mechanisms to deal withextremely difficult situations. One of the problems with recovering from loss is that we are nottaught how to deal with the situation. The stages detailed by K?bler-Rosshave been derived from discussions with dying patients and show what hasbeen learned from these patients in terms of coping mechanisms at the timeof a terminal illness. On death and dying. In the broadest sense, theauthor says that these stages are something through which individuals passwhenever they are faced with tragic news. The effect of the death of a parent on a smaller child has been muchstudied in the literature, though that literature generally fails to make adistinction based on the circumstances of the death, which ignores both theadditional stressors and unique opportunities afforded by an anticipatedloss rather than a sudden and unexpected loss. The death ofa spouse results in grief, depression, tension, anxiety, confusion, and asevere sense of loss. "Secondary losses in bereaved children when bothparents have died: A case study." Omega 39(4), 297-314. However, as the authors also note, anticipation may be less valuablefor young children because these children first have a more limitedcognitive ability to understand the finality of death. These are all exacerbated with the loss ofboth parents. Death at an older age is viewed as a natural process. K?bler-Rossexamines each of these in turn and relates them to the grieving processboth for dying patients and their families. SecondEdition. Insome ways, indeed, an important loss always remains with us (Kalish, 1985,184). Her thesis is that when people areforced to face death either in terms of coming to grips with the death of aloved one or even with their own imminent death they pass through certainstages in their thinking. Children have nosocial role such as widow or widower, so there is nothing to be gained forthe child by being prematurely socialized into a new role. While bereaved adolescents benefit from social support,most adolescents receive little comfort for their grief and have fewopportunities to share memories with others. She alsodiscusses some of the specific problems that will be encountered. (1986). & Brassard, M.R. New York: Macmillan. In most instances, Kalish says, it takes at least one yearfor a reasonable recovery, and a two-year period is not impossible. Kalish (1985) states that there seems to be a purpose in grieving andthat four tasks have to be accomplished. Terminal illness on a practical levelallows for planning for the future. In fact coming to grips with one's mortality is a developmental task for the aged (Brown, 1989, 463). The grieving person must accept that the grief ispainful. The grieving person need to be able to withdraw muchof the emotional energy formerly invested in the dead person and to beginto reinvest it in other relationships. (1999, January)."Anticipating parental death in families with young children." AmericanJournal of Orthopsychiatry 69(1), 39-48. References Brown, F.H. The inevitability of the five stages does not mean thedeath of hope, and it could even be argued that reaching the level ofacceptance places the patient in a better mental state to have real hopeand to understand his or her options in evaluating treatment and mattersrelated to treatment. (1969). They are identified by K?bler-Ross as denialand isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Mahon, M.M. In a recent bookwritten by one of the co-founders of the Grief Recovery Institute, theauthor mentions that the length and intensity of the relationship with thedeceased determines the amount of pain the survivor will suffer (James,1986, 18). Farberow,Gallagher-Thompson, Gilewski, & Thompson (1992) studied the impact of thedeath of an older person on the mental health and psychological status ofthe surviving spouse and assessed this element using five self-reportscales and a one item self-rated mental health questionnaire. Saldinger, A., Cain, A., Kalter, N. Certain fundamental changesmake it difficult for adolescents to seek support (Dillon & Brassard, 1999,179-18 ). Adolescents face particular issues when losing a parent. The stages need not be consecutive and canexist side by side, but in order to cope with the situation the patientmust pass through all of the stages. Some sort of humansupport is important during a survivor's period of grief. Carter and M.McGoldrick (eds.), 463. (1985). They are applicable to the grieving relatives aswell as to the person who is terminally ill. One of the more influential works on the subject of death and dyingis that of Elisabeth K?bler-Ross. It is believed that ananticipated death affords the opportunity for a head start on the griefprocess, and by getting the chance to say goodbye to a loved one, emotionalclosure can be reached. All that does is make them tired, in addition to their being in pain.Again, some grief therapists are of the opinion that all this constantactivity does is make the pain last longer, since it is just another formof avoiding the issue (James, 1986, 66). Recently, death by AIDShas been one of the reasons for much of the loss experienced by youngpeople and has allowed better research into the social support network foranticipated death. On Saturday I'll get you anew bike," or "We'll get you a new dog" (James, 1986, 41). She begins with an assessmentof the fear we have of death and dying and a discussion of some of theattitudes that prevail on the subject. These issuesare compounded when both parents die. A person suffering from grief mustacknowledge the feelings which are associated with the loss of a parent orloved one instead of thinking that there is some sort of quick fix or wayto replace the lost person. Children also may have agreater need than adults to deny an impending death. These stages are repeated in every instance aspart of the grieving process. "Changes in grief and mental health of bereaved spousesof older suicides." Journal of Gerontology, 357-366. (1999). Beverly Hills, CA:Grief Recovery Institute. & Lohnes, K. The grieving person must adjust to an environment without theperson who has died. That book suggests that peoplerecover quicker and more fully when they are able to be around otherindividuals who are also suffering traumatic losses. One grief counselor recommends not only that someone should find arecovery partner, but also that this recovery partner must be someone thatthe person trusts enough to be completely honest with (James, 1986, 25).Finding someone that a person can be honest with is essential, because whena person grieves, he or she shares innermost thoughts and has to beconfident that the recovery partners is going to keep those thoughtsconfidential. Farberow, N.L., Gallagher-Thompson, D., Gilewski, M., & Thompson, L.(1992, November). When one parent dies, the primarylosses may include the absence of that one person, but secondary losses arealso engendered, such as prolonged pain, gradual acclimation, and taintedexperiences (Mahon, 1999, 297). New York: Simon and Schuster. K?bler-Ross indicates that the family will have tocope with the issue for a long period of time, even after the death of theloved one, and that this will take a good deal of energy. That book recommends that people experiencing grief find "afellow griever so you can learn and recover together" (James, 1986, 19).The author says that many people are able to grieve with fellow familymembers who are experiencing the same loss. Kalish, R.A. Most of the feelings decrease over time with varyingcourses of treatment by the end of 3 months of bereavement. "The impact of death and serious illness on thefamily life cycle." In The Changing Family Life Cycle, B. theresponse of adolescents to the death of a parent involves a complexinteraction of feelings, thoughts, and behaviors, and research shows thatsocial support is one of the most crucial requirements for helpingindividuals come to grips with the grief process. Before any person can begin to recover from the grief associated witha sudden and serious loss, he or she must acknowledge that a problemexists. But keeping so activethat they are too tired to deal with their own pain is not a real solution. The type of death involved can make a difference in terms of how longit takes the survivors to come to terms with that loss. Shenotes: "Family members undergo different stages of adjustment similar tothe ones described for our patients" (K?bler-Ross, 1969, 168). The problemwith these kinds of statements is that they send a subliminal message thatit is not okay to have bad feelings because you dog died or your bike wasstolen; instead, these statements focus on replacing the loss. Anticipation is thoughtto facilitate the acceptance of death to make the final outcome moreunderstandable and predictable. While theseband-aid solutions might work for bicycles and pets, they certainly do notaddress the underlying problem. Indeed, toooften they are forced into a new and burdensome identity for which they arenot prepared, such as being told, "Now you are the man of the house." Oneof the most damaging elements for the child is the fact that the parentsare not able to attend to the child's needs as in normal circumstances(Saldinger, Cain, Kalter, & Lohnes, 1999, 39-4 ). One of the fallacies which people who are suffering from losses oftenget caught up in is that they think that if they somehow keep busy theywill not feel as bad or will recover more quickly. Death, grief, and caring relationships. Most children are taught how toacquire things but are not taught how to deal with losing something.Similarly, The Grief Recovery Handbook mentions that other people's parentswould tell them things like, "Don't feel bad. The grief recovery handbook. They alsoexperience a stage of denial, a stage of anger, and a phase of preparatorygrief.While this creates many problems for the elderly and for those who mustcare for them, it also appears that longevity can reduce some stresses: Generally the farther along in the life cycle, the less is the degree of family stress associated with death and serious illness. "Adolescents and parental AIDsdeath: The role of social support." Omega 39(3), 179-195. The grieving person must acceptthe reality of the loss. What should also be recognized, asSaldinger, Cain, Kalter, & Lohnes (1999) note, are the stressors of lengthyillness in terms of the trauma of exposure and the many dislocationsinvolved in caring for the dying. James, J.W. Dillon, D.H. Applying these issues to young people can be difficult, as is seen inthe case of adolescents who find it difficult even to ask. The spouses of suicides are thus more prone to become suicides themselves(Farberow, Gallagher-Thompson, Gilewski, & Thompson, 1992, 357-366). (1989).
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