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ENDING RELATIONSHIPS.
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Discusses emotional responses.... More...
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Paper Abstract:
Discusses emotional responses. Various factors that cause different emotional responses to different endings. Example of the death of a client in dementia day care. Example of mixed feelings engendered by divorce. Importance of effective tying up the loose ends of the relationship; closure. Role of self-examination as a freeing experience.

Paper Introduction:
This paper is an examination of the types of emotions that one may experience at the end of a relationship. Human relationships, whether they be based on mutual attraction or mutual need, engender emotional responses. When these relationships end, they can generate a wide range of emotional reactions, often conflicting responses. Understanding some of the diverse possibilities helps make handling them easier to deal with. Betty Risteen Hasselkus and Andrea LaBelle (1998, March) write, "When telling a narrative, we structure experiences into beginnings, middles, and endings . . . Without an intelligible ending, the story lacks wholeness and a satisfying completion" (p. 17). Endings are a natural part of the emotional cycle of human interaction. They provide closure. While they may include painf

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Endinga relationship, regardless of the reason for its initial formation or thecause of termination, means that all parties involved will feel something.Precisely which emotions, however, will depend on many different factors,including specific circumstances and the personalities and experiences ofthe participants. . These responses varydepending on the depth of the relationship, the reasons for termination,and the preparation the individual has had for its ending. 2115). A person whose parents had ahappy marriage and who subsequently becomes involved in a bitter divorcemay either experience even deeper feelings of guilt and inadequacy thansomeone without such reference points. (2 1). In contrast, the decision to terminate care for a client was more likely to be dissatisfying than satisfying. They may bedrawn to one another by feelings of attraction or shared interests. In some circumstances, however, relationships do not begin withemotional connections but because of a desire to achieve a common goal.Individuals may join a group, sign up for a class, begin a therapeuticrelationship, or seek assistance in dealing with a problem, and from thesepragmatic relationships develop emotional attachments. 188). That is, the social worker and client understand why their relationship is ending and can process the experience. Dementia day careendings: The uncertain limits of care. Joseph Walshand Katherine Meyersohn (2 1, August) observe, "Endings may be planned orunplanned, and forced or voluntary" (p. The cause may as simple asthe completion of the task at hand (the end of a class, the termination oftherapy, etc.) or as complex as the destruction of trust as a result ofinfidelity. Walsh and Meyersohn (2 1, August) outline four steps helpful toeffectively ending a client-therapist relationship, steps which might beusefully applied to personal relationships, as well. 193). R., & LaBelle, A. An important point to remember is anexperience with human emotion is that feelings are valid and must berecognized as such. Scheingold (2 1) observes, "Most human feelings fall into one ofthese groups: happy, sad, angry, scared, or confused [in addition to]sexual feelings, guilt, shame, loyalty, and forgiveness" (p. Understanding some of the diversepossibilities helps make handling them easier to deal with. Walsh and Meyersohn(2 1, August) observe, "Natural unsettling feelings . . While Walsh and Meyersohn are focused on theresponses of professional therapists, this is an important point for anyonedeciding to end a relationship. Emotions can push human beings toward action" (p.2115), and such actions can include initiating a friendship or starting aromantic relationship. They are writing about client-therapist relationships but, again, their discussion is applicable to otherkinds of endings: The importance of attending to the ending . . The end of a relationship also tends to trigger self examination.Many individuals spend considerable time after termination trying tounderstand what went wrong, why, and, in some cases, whether termination isindeed permanent. Whatever the initial reason for establishing connections, allrelationships eventually end, and these endings engender emotionalresponses for all the surviving participants. . Walsh, J., & Meyersohn, K. . 193).Endings can be perceived as failure and uncertainty about the future,especially when society and its various institutions (including organizedreligion) reinforce such negative responses. Often,humans establish connections in response to an emotional reaction toanother individual. This paper is an examination of the types of emotions that one mayexperience at the end of a relationship. The process has many similarities to the grievingprocess that follows death, a multi-step development that ultimately endsin acceptance. Whatever the cause, emotions are always part of the humanexperience. A positive ending to a relationship can be a freeing experience,allowing all involved an opportunity to learn how to deal more effectivelywith their own emotional responses to endings. Increased societal acceptanceof divorce as a common end to marriage has helped soften this negativity,but many divorcing couples still respond with these difficult emotions. 194). Whatever an individual's personal response to thesituation, whether or not it fits into an existing pattern, the emotionsgenerated are real and share equal importance. Emotions may be disturbing. As Walshand Meyersohn (2 1, August) write, "Natural feelings of satisfaction mayinclude pride in accomplishments, an appreciation of the relationship, andexcitement about the capacity for other attachments" (p. Closure also may include the worker and client's acknowledgment of feelings about their relationship and may enhance their mutual confidence in managing future relationships (p. (1998, March). may includesadness, relief, loss, anger, guilt, inadequacy, and anxiety" (p. Understanding and expressingfeelings. Hasselkusand LaBelle (1998, March) studied the effects of the ending of day care onstaff working with elderly patients and were surprised to discover that thedeath of the patient did not always produce only negative emotions. This self-definition has an influence on the kind ofemotions generated by endings, both in determining the kinds of emotions anindividual is likely to experience and in predicting the effect thosefeelings will have on the affected human. While they may include painful emotions, they canalso be a positive experience by giving satisfactory completion to arelationship. When individuals view the ending of a relationship as an opportunityto learn and grow, the resulting emotions can be quite positive. 2116). 193). The spouse who first brings up the subjectof divorce may believe that doing so provides some emotional protection.He or she may instead discover that being the first to raise the issuebrings on even stronger emotional stress. 193), including the individual's response to an evaluation ofhis or her other strong emotions and the individual's ego strength.Someone with an even-tempered personality and a positive self-image is morelikely to be able to view an ending as an opportunity for growth than issomeone with fewer personal resources. They may review the successes and failures of their work, plan for the client's maintenance of gains, and perhaps institute new goals for the client to pursue. Scheingold (2 1) observes, "Feelings give people a sense of who theyare" (p. is to ensure that closure is achieved. Clinical Reference Systems, 2115-2116. A couple deciding to divorce, for instance, may experienceboth intense grief at the end of their marriage and deep relief at beingfreed from their commitment to one another, and they may also experienceguilt over this relief. Without an intelligibleending, the story lacks wholeness and a satisfying completion" (p. References Hasselkus, B. . Human relationships, whether theybe based on mutual attraction or mutual need, engender emotional responses. In the same way, a relationship is not truly over until allparties have accepted the ending and moved on. 7). It can teach participantshow to end future relationships in a more satisfying way and to embrace andlearn from the emotional responses triggered by the inevitable conclusionof specific human interactions. On the other hand, if thatindividual has developed a strong sense of self-worth and an ability toaccurately evaluate his or her own emotions, the reaction may besignificantly less negative. Human beings form relationships for a variety of reasons. (2 1, August). Journal of Applied Gerontology,17(1), 3-24. Scheingold, L. The second step is to "use supervision or collegial feedback to assess[the therapist's] own levels of attachment to or detachment from the clientas the relationship ends" (Walsh, 2 1, August, p. Theywrite: Strikingly different from many other areas of practice, the death of a client in dementia day care was potentially a deeply satisfying ending of care, even a hoped-for ending in some cases and a stated goal of care in others. Ending clinicalrelationships with people with schizophrenia. When these relationships end, they can generate a wide range of emotionalreactions, often conflicting responses. 188). The final step is to "be on guard for acting-out behaviors in clientswho experience strong reactions that they cannot articulate" (Walsh, 2 1,August, p. Health and Social Work,26(3), 188-197. Betty Risteen Hasselkus and Andrea LaBelle (1998, March) write, "Whentelling a narrative, we structure experiences into beginnings, middles, andendings . The first is to"assess factors that are likely to influence the client's response toending" (p. 193). Walsh and Meyersohn (2 1, August) argue that endings must effectivelytie up the loose ends of the relationship. When care was terminated, for whatever reason, the client was often referred to as "lost" (p. The individualinitiating the end of a relationship may tend to underestimate his or herown response to termination. The third step is to "validate the client's feelings about the ending"(Walsh, 2 1, August, p. Emotional reactions can be both unpredictable anddisguised, and the individual experiencing them may not be readily able tounderstand why he or she is reacting in a particular way to the terminationof a relationship, especially one that has had a profound personal impactand/or has lasted long enough to become an important part of theindividual's life. . Lee Scheingold (2 1) "Feelings (emotions) are innerexperiences of mood . . The emotions that endings generate can be widely varied and evencontradictory. 17).Endings are a natural part of the emotional cycle of human interaction.They provide closure.

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